Let Go of Control: My Lupus Diagnosis

Many people would describe me as a control freak, but I prefer the term “planner.” It’s true though. I’ve always felt the need to know every single detail that is going to happen tomorrow, next week, and in the next five years. This is probably the reason why I hate surprises… so for those of you trying to plan a surprise party for me, I appreciate it, but it’s already stressing me out. Also, just go ahead and tell me what you’re getting me for Christmas because I’ll find out. I don’t know why I am like this. Many of us are. We feel like we have to control every little thing in our lives, but when things don’t go as planned we completely lose it. The thing is, there will always be something that happens that we didn’t expect, so why do we act like it’s the first thing that hasn’t gone our way?

When I was graduating high school, I figured I would graduate college in four years, be married by twenty-two, and eventually be one of those extremely fit stay-at-home moms. Well, here we are, dropped out of college, twenty-one and single, may or may not have an in-shape body ever again. I was thrown off “my” course when I started getting sick at eighteen. Horrible migraines, numbness in my arms and legs, walking? debatable, constant fevers, intense pain in my joints and muscles and so tired, like all the time. When I was nineteen I was told I had an autoimmune disease. This definitely wasn’t in my five year plan, so obviously… I lost it. I was an emotional wreck. I fought it with everything I had. I denied what my future might hold and tried to go against the grain, but it just made things worse. After three years with still no diagnosis I became bitter.

If you read my last blog post, you know by the end of this past summer I hit complete rock bottom. It was one night when I was laying in my bed that I was in so much emotional pain, and I started yelling at God. Basically asking him why he had taken everything away from me and asking him who even was I anymore without everything I lost, but I heard him, he told me I was a child of God and he begged me to come back home. That’s when I started learning how to surrender control. I knew he had a purpose for what I was going through. I started changing my perspective and embracing my illness as much as I could. I’m learning that I just have to shift the way I do things. Working less on my feet, sleeping a little bit longer than normal, more time for self-care, and by doing all of this I can still operate at a normal mental capacity, actually an even better mental capacity because my outlook on life is more positive.

This is what’s crazy… Monday I had another doctors appointment. I was nervous as usual because it was another new doctor. This doctor was going to be my 8th opinion. I’ve been through the process so I know how it goes: tell me your life story, lets draw a ton of blood for testing, here’s this medication, see me in 6 months, yeah I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Every time. I went into this appointment nervous, but with a better perspective. I was trusting God would reveal himself in his timing. Well, I walked out of this appointment with a diagnosis, no blood drawn and no question about it. This doctor described to me that I am in the “pre-lupus” stage of having lupus. Meaning it hasn’t officially been activated yet based on my previous lab work, but based on all of the symptoms I am experiencing and another set of labs that were ran it’s in the process of onsetting, and it is just taking a lot longer than “normal,” but at some point in time, it will completely reveal itself, and there’s not really anyway to stop it.

Why was that so easy? I meditated on this for a while. What did this doctor have that the others didn’t? It wasn’t that this doctor has this time, but it was what I had. I had let go of control. I surrendered this situation completely, and whatever God wanted to do with it I was going to learn to be okay. What I realized was that I had to go through that waiting period so that God could bring me back to him. He couldn’t just give me what I wanted because then I would have just stayed complacent in my walk with him. It took me a really long time to figure it out, but I made it back home, and I’m here to stay.

What situation in your life are you refusing to let go of? Take it from me, you will never have total control of that situation. God wants you to trust he knows what he is doing. He desperately wants to use you and the story behind your pain to inspire and encourage others. It may seem impossible to do, but trust me, it’s so worth it in the end.

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